I endured some pretty harsh bullying beginning from the age of 12 up until I was about 16, at which point it become more indirect and subliminal. I’ve read literature and have been told that after being bullied it never truly goes away. They say it stays with you. I was not the same person that I was when I was 13. I have a constant paranoia which translates into my searching fear that even some of my close friends are laughing at me behind my back. I have this anxiety that I’m kept around for the entertainment of the social environment at large, or even just a select quantity of people. That is something I know will always remain, despite how hard I try to keep it at bay. I will always be channeled into my teenage body. An anatomy of dispelled ennui.
I have had a lot of issues with how I view my body but have never talked about it because to me, it felt like it was a more personal mission and I could rationalise it better to myself until I absolutely needed to with someone else (which is true, but I don’t encourage this approach to other people. I just have an intrinsic knowledge of how my though processes work.) I’m just writing this because I’m documenting, I noticed that tonight I was much more in that place than I remember being in a long time.
When you’ve been bullied, you become scarred. When someone makes a joke or does something to you in the same way you were the first time, it becomes a tracing of wounds. It’s like a sharp nail dragging over the mind where it bled once before and opening it up again. I have reasons to be sensitive about some things. I have a reason to feel scared in some large rooms. I have a reason to be afraid of male sexuality. I have a reason to be triggered by those acts of bravado. I have a reason to avoid a lot of things.
All I’m asking is that you’ll be kind with me. I will always be kind to you.

I will be with you.

I endured some pretty harsh bullying beginning from the age of 12 up until I was about 16, at which point it become more indirect and subliminal. I’ve read literature and have been told that after being bullied it never truly goes away. They say it stays with you. I was not the same person that I was when I was 13. I have a constant paranoia which translates into my searching fear that even some of my close friends are laughing at me behind my back. I have this anxiety that I’m kept around for the entertainment of the social environment at large, or even just a select quantity of people. That is something I know will always remain, despite how hard I try to keep it at bay. I will always be channeled into my teenage body. An anatomy of dispelled ennui.

I have had a lot of issues with how I view my body but have never talked about it because to me, it felt like it was a more personal mission and I could rationalise it better to myself until I absolutely needed to with someone else (which is true, but I don’t encourage this approach to other people. I just have an intrinsic knowledge of how my though processes work.) I’m just writing this because I’m documenting, I noticed that tonight I was much more in that place than I remember being in a long time.

When you’ve been bullied, you become scarred. When someone makes a joke or does something to you in the same way you were the first time, it becomes a tracing of wounds. It’s like a sharp nail dragging over the mind where it bled once before and opening it up again. I have reasons to be sensitive about some things. I have a reason to feel scared in some large rooms. I have a reason to be afraid of male sexuality. I have a reason to be triggered by those acts of bravado. I have a reason to avoid a lot of things.

All I’m asking is that you’ll be kind with me. I will always be kind to you.

I will be with you.

  1. sergeantmoonwalk said: I got bullied by a single kid roughly five years ago. I haven’t talked to her or been bullied since and I still think everyone hates me. I try to remember its mostly in my head.
  2. holdon-letgo reblogged this from jonnoxvxrevanche
  3. sunyfromsomewhere reblogged this from jonnoxvxrevanche and added:
    I love the people on tumblr so much.
  4. oalat said: Jonno you’re a genius and a half.
  5. withsharperteeth said: <3
  6. ashleevcat reblogged this from jonnoxvxrevanche and added:
    I love you. I can relate to this so much and you’re just like the most beautiful person on the entire planet.
  7. jonnoxvxrevanche posted this